Timmy - week 2

Its been 2 weeks.  It seems like yesterday.

We have seen Timmy on various occasions.  Not every day anymore.  He was shy and awkward at first.  Now he runs, with arms wide open. 

The shock of the story for me is the Timmy is sleeping at home again.  Sleeping in the same, 2 bedroom apartment as the perpetrator.  I can't explain it anymore than I can do anything about it.  There are no safe houses.  No safe places.  No places for Timmy except an institution.  The sad reality is there are at least another dozen emergency cases where children need to be removed, another 2-3 dozen that the best case scenario is for the child to be removed although its not an emergency like Timmy.

It is a battle that is difficult to fight much less even think about winning.  A social welfare department that is extremly over worked and under paid.  The average case load is meant to be 60, these guys have a 100+.  There are suppossed to be about 10 for Ocean View, there are 5.  Not to mention there is no juvenile justice system here at all.  What cases there are that go to court get dismissed because they only involve minors.  So the cycle just continues.  Its almost hopeless.  If you take God out of the equation it is absoluety impossible for me to imagine a sceanario where this gets better for anyone. 

And because we serve a God of the impossible, I will continue, one child at a time, to make a difference.  Helping, protecting, and fighting for the innocent. 

Please pray.  For South Africa, for Ocean View, for Timmy and the countless other victims of child sodomy. 

As for Timmy.  Much of what happened has taken place during the 3 week school holiday here.  Many people were on leave including people that I work with.  I briefed one of the leaders of the organization that I work with yesterday and he said because this happened on our property that we must file protocol and report this to the proper authorities.  Its very normal for families in this situation to simply move on and never report this as a crime. 

So yesterday I began making phone calls.  The person I was trying to reach was also on leave.  Another officer told me a detective would call me back.  He didn't.  Today I tried to reach the same officer only to a Colonel tell me there was nothing they could do and I just need to go to the police station with the parent. 

Now I drive to the police station.  Inside there is a group that runs the Trauma room.  The trauma room is basically a counseling room inside the police station.  They deal directly with the "special victims unit" (and no its nothing like on the tv show).  While I was giving her the information she called in a detective for a second opinion.  He agreed that something needed to be done, but the didn't handle these cases only the SVU.  She called to speak with someone.  She handed me the phone to give him details.  He asked if I could bring Timmy and his mom to their office and I said no.  She lives with the perpetrator's family, shes not going to file a charge.  So tomorrow morning we are supposed to meet at Timmy's school.  He wants to hear from Timmy directly I guess.   I am holding thumbs that he will even show up.  No one wants to deal with this. 

I saw it.  I have to do something.  We came to serve the least, the last, and the lost.  Timmy is all 3 of those.  Please pray.  I am at a loss for what the long term solution is.....I am actually at a loss for what the short term solution.  Please also pray for our safety as we move forward with this.  No one likes the whistle blower. 

Shelby

the morning after

Yesterday was a pretty crazy day.  Watching my American friends attempt to light some fireworks in the hectic wind and the sand helped me to forget about it for a little while.  Returning home my thoughts turned to Larry and his contagious smile.  The smile that wasn't there as I drove away from the social worker. 

This morning I go back to the social worker to let her know about my conversation with Timmy's (victim) mom.  She had already been there a whole 30 minutes early.  She didn't even contest the removal.  Which is good news because it means at this stage the court doesn't have to get involved.  Which gives the social workers time to access the situation and see what the options are.  It a temporary win for now, but we are still praying for a long term win for Timmy.  Home at least for right now, cannot be the only option.

One thing that the social worker said to me yesterday has been stuck in my head.  If no one works with the perpetrators the cycle will never stop.  They will just find another victim.  One of the perpetrators, Larry, mother had told me yesterday that she also wanted help for him because he was also the victim in another recent sexual assault.  I told her I would make some calls and try to find someone. 

So today my goals were to see Timmy, find help for Larry, and try and connect with Wally's family.  Wally, as of yesterday was still denying any involvement at all.  Saying that the reason he was naked was to use the bathroom.

I went to a school where a friend of mine was running a holiday club for the kids with a team of youth from his home church in PA.  This friend is very qualified in counseling and has already agreed to see one of my victims in another case.  I approached him today about meeting with one of the perpetrators in my new case and he agreed.  That's good news. 

Next I wanted to head to the other holiday club where I was hoping they might have brought Timmy today.  However there was no one there.  I decided to go back to social services and see if they would let me know where he was staying so I go see him.  We checked in at the front desk and sat down in the waiting room (whatever you are picturing in you head at this moment is much more glamorous I can assure you).  Sorry, I keep saying we.  We have a wonderful friend from the states here visiting with us for 2 months.  Her name is Nicole.  She is working alongside me in Ocean View with one of the ministries that work out of the yellow house called Baby Safe.  During the holidays here everything slows down a little bit and so she and I have been working together on some cases.  So, we sat down and much to our surprise Timmy came running around the corner.  I guess he heard us speaking to the receptionist.  His smile was back as he held up this huge toy car.  He disappeared again around the corner but we could hear the noise of his car.  He stuck his head back around and said the social worker was calling for me.  The man where he is staying was in the office and she introduced us.  He said we must have been the people that he kept talking about.  Brie had made a cake yesterday and before he left the house we gave him a piece.  Apparently he really likes chocolate cake.  We asked if the mom had delivered any of his things yet and they said no.  We noticed he was still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.  We exchanged phone numbers and address with the man and told him we were going to go and get some things and then be back later in the afternoon.  Timmy wanted to go with us but I told him we would see him later.  As difficult as it is we can make things so good for him that he no longer wants to go back home or to the safe house or anywhere.  So there are times that we will do things to help distract them, but for the most part its better to be as hands off as possible and allow him to connect to those he is staying with.  Yesterday, may have been a bit too much.  I have a connection with a couple of agencies that offer clothing for free, but Coco instead on letting them keep that for another time and she wanted to shop for Timmy. 

So we left Timmy again with the promise that we would be back.  He tried to follow us to the car and we explained the plan again.  We headed to try and find Larry's mom.  We had tried about 3 times already, but she either wasn't home or she was sleeping.  This time when we knocked on the door we were greeted by a man.  He was a grumpy man.  He was a scary man.  He seemed a bit agitated.  Why was I looking for Larry's mom, who was I, what did I want.  After a few minutes of explaining, he asked us to come inside.  We sat down, he stood up.  I still wasn't convinced he was happy we were there.  I informed him that we had found a counselor that was willing to meet with Larry.  That's unnecessary.  I am his father and I will deal this.  This was the first we knew of a father.  He wanted nothing to do with us and certainly didn't need our help.  He was still standing over us.  Still irritated.  He talks, about all sorts of things......apartheid......prison......babies.....boys.  We listen.  He talks, we listen.  He eventually sits down.  I breathe a bit easier.  Finally, after a lot of listening and a bit of sharing my heart as both a pastor and a father, he agrees to a meeting with our counselor.  We laugh, we hug, we talk about American movies, we laugh some more, this time at Coco's hair.  It was an hour well spent.  One perpetrator on the way to getting help, and maybe also some help for the family.

We head to Wally's.  Going up the stairs we pass Wally coming down.  No one's home he says.  Don't mind me I answer, "I'm just going to double check."  Wally has proven to be a liar.  Still never admitting he did anything wrong.  I knock on the door.  A man answers.  Questions and answers back and forth.  No mom, no dad, just 3 brothers and a sister.  2 are working one is home and Wally just ran down the stairs.  This may or may not come as a surprise, but most of these children are raised on the street.  Looked after by only their friends.  Oh, there are adults around, but this is not a village and there doesn't seem to be much community when it comes to looking after others kids.  I have had groups of 5 year old ask me for rides to the mall 15 minutes away.  I could have done it and no one would have ever known.  I talk briefly about what I saw yesterday and how I would like to get help for Wally, just someone to talk to.  Most perpetrators are also victims.  He says he will speak to his brother and sister.  We shake hands and I tell I will check back next week. 

I see Wally on the side of the road messing with a cart that he was made from wood, wheels and some baskets.  I ask why he lied about no one being home and he said his brother was sleeping.  As we are talking he hears his brother in the distance yelling for him to come home.  He is probably heading for a hiding (spanking) I say to Coco. 

As we are leaving Ocean View to go shopping we see Timmy again on the side of the road.  He tries to get into the car.  I try and explain again.  I don't think he understands.  I will see you soon I say as we drive away. 

Coco and my wife do some shopping as I have another meeting.  I say maybe we should get something chocolate since he liked the cake so much.  We grab some doughnuts.  We head back to Ocean View.  It took a little bit longer than I expected.  About 3 hours I think had passed at this point.  That was a long time for Timmy, apparently he didn't think we were coming back.  All day today when we saw him he had that car from social services.  We go inside the house and Coco gives him the clothes.  We convince him to change tops.  He looks very smart, and clean.  The smile is back.  We forgot pajamas so we let him know we will stop back by tomorrow.  Still no word from his mother, and no other clothes.  We hug and say goodbyes again. 

We stop back by to remind the mom about dropping off clothes, but she isn't home. 

We will see what Saturday brings.

Please continue to pray.  Pray for Timmy.  That he finds rest and peace at least for this weekend from his troubles.  Pray for the abuse to stop.  Pray for a long term solution that involves no more abuse.....ever.   Pray for Larry and his family, that as we meet with a gifted counselor he can help unpack the pain and the hurt and help heal a family.  Pray for Wally and his family to be open to get Wally the help that he needs so we can begin to stop the cycle.  Pray for Ocean View, for God to move in spirit and in power.  Pray for heeling and for the chains of bondage, abuse, and addiction to be broken.

Thank you saints.  This is not a battle against flesh and blood. 

This 4th of July has been no Holiday!

Independence day is not a holiday here.  No day off, no fireworks, no BBQ.


I went to work as normal.  We meet for prayer every day at 9 AM.  Some days there are 20, some days there are 4.  Today there were 4.  We spent time in prayer.  I remember asking God to break my heart for what breaks His.  Little did I know, not only would he break my heart, but he would show me what breaks His.  It is literally almost too difficult to even speak about.

I don't blog a lot, ok hardly ever almost never.  Much of what I do is very confidential and also very difficult to even speak about.  My hope is that by writing this will help me process.  Maybe, prayerfully, maybe someone may even be able to offer some advice.  I won't mention actual names.  I will for the sake of clarity give fictitious names to the people in my story. 

I have started doing some volunteer work for the "yellow house".  There are many groups that work out of this particular house.  YWAM, All Nations, Baby Safe and a few independents.  This house is located in the heart of Ocean View, near the flats.  Very similar to the projects or other government style housing that you may be familiar with.  The yellow house specializes in dealing with victims of sexual assault.  Girls, boys, families, etc.  But even more than that we deal with at risk youth of all types, ages, and sizes.  We are there for crisis intervention.  Each money we meet, pray, and talk about what's happening.  Make a plan for who we need to see and then hit the streets.  Meeting and praying with people along the way. 

Often times, the yellow house we become a hang out for the children who live close to it.  Especially when they notice certain peoples cars outside.  We don't normally mind them playing in the garden, but sometimes they can get up to mischief.  Yesterday some boys ended up on the roof of the house which was a big no-no, as well as starting fires and attempting to smoke different bushes out of the garden.  Again, just being naughty. 

We had finished praying and I had a client that came to the house for a 10:30 meeting.  Another colleague also had a meeting happening in the kitchen.  I noticed 3 young boys (10-12) came into the yard.  I recognized a few of them from the day before.  After a while I thought it was time for me to go and check on them and see what they were up to.  I assumed the worst, probably smoking. Much to my shock, as I came around the corner, 1 kids was naked and pulling up his pants, I looked around him and saw the other 2 children engaged in the act of sexual molestation.  All 3 participants were boys.  I shouted and the 2 perpetrators quickly ran off before I could catch them.  I went back to find the victim sitting on the wall of the property.  Not knowing if he should jump and run or come back.  I called him off the wall and asked him to come inside.  

We chatted with him briefly about this not being ok.  He told us that it has happened before, multiple times.  I also learned that he also goes to a special school for the mentally challenged.  He told us he was 8, but I learned later he was actually 12.  I asked if he would like us to discuss this with his mom and he said yes.  We couldn't find her and at the moment I had another client in the living room that I needed to get to.  Oddly enough this other client is here for help in dealing with own 9 year old and 6 year old boys that had been molested by his peers.  I told Timmy that I would make a few phone calls and come find him later. 

After finishing up with my other client.  I made a stop at the police station.  Nothing could be done on this front without the parent.  She was the only one that could file the charge.  Next I head to social services where the lady I need to speak with is gone for the after noon.  I head back to Timmy's house (victim).  Hoping to find out more information on the mother in the hopes that I can get a hold of her and return to the police station.

She is still not home.  The lady says try again after 5 oclock.  As I am preparing to leave, I notice a picture on the wall.  I asked who is this? That's my son Larry (perpetrator).  Really?  Larry was the one I saw molesting Timmy.  I told her I saw him with Timmy.  Yes I know but he said he wasn't the one doing anything, it was Wally (his friend).  I said yes, Wally was there, but I saw Timmy with my eyes and explained to her what I saw.  She was mad now.  Mad at me or Larry or Timmy, I did not know, but she was mad.  She left the house in a huff looking for the boys.  I followed her.  We found Larry in the library playing games.  She brought him home.  On the way we found Timmy and she brought him home.  Some how when we got there, Wally was there as well. 

Its important to remember that Timmy is mentally handicapped.  As Larry's mother begins to question Timmy, he begins to laugh.  She yells. This isn't funny.  Don't laugh, why do you always laugh?  Much of the conversation was in Afrikaans, which I don't understand.  But I could tell both other boys were denying everything and blaming Timmy.  Wally told me he was just going pee.  Lots of finger pointing and lots of shouting. 

Enough.  I had enough.  I know what I saw and I know who was doing what.  I said I am taking Timmy with me.  You can do what you want with your child and with Wally, but it is not safe for Timmy to be here. So I took Timmy and left.

I went back to the social workers office.  Now they were closed for lunch.  I went to one of the holiday clubs that was happening at the local Methodist church.  I knew I could get some lunch for Timmy and maybe some answers as to what to do next.  I was told that I did the right thing and now just had to wait for a social worker to come back after lunch.  Then they would have to get involved and do something. 

Speaking of lunch, I was hungry.  Still had time to kill before the social workers were back.  We went to the mall and grabbed some lunch.

We went back to social services.  I met with the social worker.  She knew Timmy and had worked with him several years prior to this.  I told her the story, what I had seen, what I was told, and that he was living with his perpetrator.  She said that there was no question that he needed to be removed, the question was whether or not she could find somewhere to take him.  Dealing with older kids, twelve and up, plus his special needs would make it difficult.  She asked if I could keep him for an hour while she made some calls. 

I took him home.  I fought the urge at first, but its too difficult to discuss these things with my wife without her knowing the faces.  I also fight the urge of taking things home with me, but I felt like it was the right thing.  A dog to lick his face, kids to give him high 5's.  Not knowing what he's done, but just to show him love.  Even Finley hugged his leg.  He tried riding bikes.  Took pictures on our phones.  Took turns following different ones of us around.  He is a 12 year old trapped in the body of a 7-8 year old with the same mental capacity.  He says Yes to everything.  Not knowing if he doesn't understand or just doesn't listen.  But I believe him.  I saw what happened.  I believe him when he tells me this isn't the first time.  He wants help.  I tell him that we are trying to find a place for him to stay that will be safe.  He said he doesn't want to play with Larry anymore.  I think thats a good idea.

Back to Social Services.  One of the teachers from his school said he would take Timmy.  She will meet with the mother in the morning to see how to move forward.  The only place for Timmy she says will be an institution.  More than likely he would also be a victim there.  So she says do you send him away to be molested by strangers or leave him home to be molested by people he knows?  I said that both options suck and I don't like either one.  She agrees, but says that's whats available.

For now, I know he can sleep safe tonight.  Not sure how long it will last.  I ask if he's ok.  He manages a smile.  I tell him I will find him tomorrow.  We walk out to the car to fetch his cool drink and chips.  We all say goodbye.  He doesn't want to go.  Slowly walks away.  Two steps, turns around.  Two steps, turns around.  Sheesh this is harder than saying goodbye at camp.  I roll down the window to say again I will see him tomorrow.  I want him to know.  I want him to know so much....He takes two more steps turns around.  He reaches the door and wont go inside.  Just watches as I drive away.

I took with me a letter that Social services asked me to drop by his house for his mother.  Requesting that she come by tomorrow for a meeting.  They told me she would be home at 5.  I go back at 6.  She's not there.  But she is near by, so I go on a search.  Everyone has seen her but doesn't know where she is.  I recruit a friend who knows her to help me find her.  We drive around.  There she is.  "You looking for me?"  "Where's Timmy?"  She's drunk.  I can smell it.  I tell her he is safe and I don't know where.  She asks again.  I tell her she must come by tomorrow to speak to social services.  She doesn't even ask why he's been taken by social services.  I don't try to explain.  She walks away.  She doesn't look back.

On a day where we, as Americans, celebrate Freedom and Independence I was surrounded by bondage. Something that is all to common here.

(We are finding that peer on peer molestation is a huge problem in Ocean View.  In just 4 days I know of 3 different new cases.  I know that social services is doing all they can and currently have a huge back log of cases and dozens of children that need to be removed.  The problem at this stage is there is no where for them to go.  The victims become perpetrators and the cycle continues.  There has to be a better way.)